depending on the inversion.

Happy summer or winter to you, depending on the inversion. Summer hit us whole-heartedly yesterday, and our house smoldered like an oven. We don't have A/C, and up until yesterday, I didn't think we would need it. Today is back to cool 70s, so I guess we really don't need it. But after wearing shorts for a day or two, I'm wondering... when will I feel comfortable in my skin again?

{paso john gardner :: torres del paine}
Choosing summer clothes feels near impossible. For all intents and purposes, I've lost my pregnancy weight. There'd only be another 6-7 pounds to go, and this isn't the heaviest I've been in my non-pregnant life. Right now I need shirts with easy access for nursing Rowan. And preferably something that makes my soft belly somehow less wobbly. Nothing fits well. I know, I'm being shallow. (But while I'm at it, I have another confession: I don't like my lumpy scar--even though my sweet baby came out of it. Somehow it still feels numb or occasionally hurts dully, oddly.) Yeah, people who know me would say I am crazy.

So what? My clothes don't fit, or they're not right for the occasion. But clothes are just the surface. It's not only my wardrobe. Maybe I'm having culture shock. I recently moved back to the States, and we also moved to the oddest plot of city we could. After living here a couple of months I have to say it's not my cup of tea or coffee. I miss walking in pretty places. Honestly, give me a nice trail, and I'm a fairly happy camper. I wish we'd had the time and foresight to think of this back when we were moving. Our lease is up in September, so I guess that means an imminent something

{my trails don't even need to be well defined :: paso oggioni :: tdp}
I am finally starting to feel used to being a mom, and yet... I still wonder how others get used to this new role. Do they swim up into it at ease? How do you all manage to find balance in whatever you do? I have never been this inactive in my life. And I can't blame it on being a mom. There is time for me to start running again, to do yoga. Yet I don't.

{before I started working, I did manage to squeeze in
a couple of hikes with Rowan in the carrier :: coyote hills, fremont}
This keeps coming back to issues of physical health. It's not really that at all. Well, maybe a little. I think it's about balance and groping to get a grip on it again. In fact, after I started working, I struggle to even find time to blog, among other things. I'm not about to fall off the tightrope yet. But I don't think my pocketful of grace is quite ready for prime time yet either.

I would love to hear how you find balance in your life. 
This isn't only about motherhood, though I'm tagging it so... 
Cuz I'm also tagging the phantoms in my life, like running + yoga. 


Robin (noteverstill) said...

Let me say a couple of things. 1) My first baby was a c-section. The scar was numb for about eight months, then tingly for another six (ish). That was 5.5 years ago, though, and it's felt totally normal for a long time.
2) I STRUGGLED with the adjustment to motherhood. I think a lot of people do. And it came in waves. Again, I'm at years later but the struggle is entirely gone.
3) Just because you find the time doesn't mean you need to take the time (yet) (necessarily). You find the time but that's only the first part. You still need motivation, energy, willpower, focus - all of which feel different, I bet, than pre-baby.
4)I know it's weird to feel unfamiliar in your own body. The adjustment, and that's what this whole thing is, will keep coming.
Be gentle with yourself, ok?

E. Charlotte said...

You definitely sound like a new mother. And that's how you're supposed to sound! You don't have to like your scar, just because it made baby possible. :) It's still YOUR body and it will feel comfortable when you say it's comfortable. Give it time. My best friend is a new mom of a 1.5 week old baby boy. I've watched her go through the motions of mom-hood, delicately, as she learns the new skills. It's a big responsibility and it changes everything. I don't think anyone adjusts to motherhood easily. Everyone does it differently, and it requires a lot of work. I am proud of all the mothers I know! Either way, like all things, it WILL come into balance. :) Nature makes sure things always even out. You just had a lot of transitions happen all at once! Like Robin said, be gentle with yourself! Do with your free time whatever you want, and remember that houses aren't permanent. You can always move to another part of the city! Or globe! :) There's always options, so don't get burdened by the limits of the present. :)

heather said...

Oh, man, you guys are making me cry in the cafe. Thank you, generous, kind souls!!! (not for making me cry, but for the encouragement)

Poppies and Sunshine said...

Oh balance. Something that I have to force myself to keep in check. I try to remember to take a break, otherwise I would keep working on projects and things constantly. I think it's important to not feel guilty to take some time to yourself. That helps for me anyway.
I hope you find balance soon. And enjoy that nice weather your having! It's soo hot here!

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

Motherhood happened and I rolled with it- I signed up for art classes and yoga right after my first monkey was born- when he was eight months old we moved to the Caribbean- that felt right.

Pierre BOYER said...

Very nice walk through mountain...
Thanks !
Greetings from france,


Anna Walker said...

I am not a mom, but I do know about gaining weight and not being able to fit into the clothes that I would like! :( Such a bummer, but maybe if you create a plan, like walking every evening [good mentally and physically], or doing some DVDs or online videos! [check out YogaIsYummy] I hope all goes well! :D

ALSO my cousin's wife did The 30 Day Shred, and did pretty well on that! [I'm trying to tackle it now]

Monica {bohemian twilight} said...

It took me a while to find balance. I had a velcro baby who didn't let me sleep for longer than 45min intervals for 3 months, slooooowly increasing to about 1.5hrs at 6 months.
I was shell-shocked for that time and only started finding my groove about a year into mamahood, and then only achieving balAnce when she was around 2!

I achieved it by finding a way to fit in the stuff that cried to be done. NOT the shoulds - no space for shoulds for a busy mama - but the desires, the passions. Mostly art, some yoga, blogging/writing.

Balance came on it's own by doing what i truly love and refusing to feel guilt over things considered shoulds (like exercise).

Hollie said...

-I still don't have a lot of feeling around the area where my c-section scar is!! but, I agree wholeheartedly with you.. it's not my favorite scar. :]

-Emma is almost 3 and I still have moments of bewilderment. I think everyone is guilty of self doubt on occasion, so why would the realm of parenting be any different? You just have to ignore those thoughts, because the reality is the you made a human being. YOU MADE EYEBALLS! And once you've done that my dear, you can do anything. :]

-I know with S gone a lot it's probably hard for you to find time for yourself, but (for me) once I started doing it, things started to fall into place and my world felt a little more balanced. You are inevitably a mom all of the time.. but it's ok to be Heather sometimes too.

DolceDreams said...

Heather...first of all, thank you so much for your sweet comment, it meant alot ~ a rough time, but getting clearer.
Motherhood is hard...But SO rewarding! I have no idea where my scar(s) is (2 cesareans) will go away...
You will find your groove, believe me!
The baby weight and feeling not at home in your body will go to...
And you just had a major move! So much change for you, it is only normal what you are feeling. And it will probably take awhile. Just try to embrace the change, getting outside and active will probably help a ton. You are in one of the most beautiful areas ( maybe not exactly where you are living, from what you are saying), but I would kill to be back in Northern CA.
Most importantly, breathe...
and give that little guy a huge hug and kiss!

Gracie said...

I find it really difficult to balance my life and I'm not even a mum! So I can imagine the changes and challenges you are going through.

I think you will be able to find the right balance. It seems like you are doing so well already. x

this free bird said...

Oh Heather. Be kind to have had so many changes these past several months. Ease yourself in and give yourself a massive hug. Here's one from me. Let's email this week even if my arm flies off.


OneCraftyFox said...

I am sure you will find your balance again, honey. You are wonderful and strong and have a good head on your shoulders.

If how kind you are to your bloggers is any indication of how are with your family... then you must be an absolutely golden wife and mother :)

Lots of love to you, Heather. Have a wonderful week!


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