time, i don't believe in you.

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I haven’t written in a long time, not the blog or anything else. So sparks of birth and motherhood come to me in the middle of (seemingly) other writings… but I feel those sparks are really their own story apart. So I set out to compile a list of what they don’t tell you about birth and motherhood. Or what they do tell you, but is just so damn hard to remember. 

{from our more recent stash of photos, reminders -- with a sneak peak of our book shelves, which i love}

I compiled said list and realized that they don’t tell you that stuff, because it all sounds so dreary, so heavy. And at least in western culture, there’s enough fear about giving birth already. Women are fed so much rubbish throughout our lives, we tend to doubt our strength, our bodies already.

I will say quickly that I think, aside from having someone to prepare you nutritious food (preferably someone other than hubby. hi friend food tree, you are a good idea!), the most helpful thing you can give yourself is to talk with other women who have recently given birth. I was lucky to be one of the last of my friends to have a baby, so I had lots of support in that area. But even strangers, as in a new mama group, would be wonderful (maybe even better because they are going through it right along with you and listening to others who are in it now can help you feel more normal). OK, that was another long digression I hadn’t intended to take.

Anyway, I imagined the list to glitter a little with its shimmering insights. But that didn’t happen. (Of course not, because I knew how the list would end--what its emotional charge would be--before I had even taken the journey. All authors commit such presumption, sometimes.)

So, let’s get to what they do tell you. Enjoy every minute.

We left the hospital one day earlier than recommended. We arrived home to my aunt’s house, greeted by a clean-sheeted welcomingly pulled-down bed. A baby photo album topped the bed, and inside the album, a simple card. It said: Enjoy every minute. Bawling, I tucked the card back into the album. I decided to pass this message on via every baby shower card I’ll ever write.

I think it may take a while to be able to enjoy every minute. Pain and sleep deprivation damper it all. Add hormonal cliffs, crying baby that you’re supposed to know how to soothe, insecurities, sensitivities, and holy ferociousness you’ve got yourself a hurricane on your hands.

And yet, no fancy rhyme could say it better. Enjoy every minute. Be there, then; be here, now. 

{enjoy, mama!}

Because babyhood really does happen as fast as they say it does. Baby’s papery skin plumps up. The downy hair (lanugo) on baby’s back disappears, like magic. That new baby scent fades. Diapers that swim on baby, too soon tighten. One by one, you transfer the onesies to storage. Meanwhile you grow with your baby. Ultimately some shimmerings can’t be captured a la list.