life. and mama's milestones.

{bits of montaña de oro, car camping, after extending s's passport so we can go to turkey (and india for my work) in august}

oh what can i say. and where do i start? today i'm weary of capital letters, and as i write it i realize i spent my formative years in such a state--its rightly quiet flurry. damned if i could now order my smudges of memory on a timeline.

blogging was going to provide a sanitized order of my life's moments and loves; maybe it would even jog my memory--ah to let the sweet spill ensue. but that only works if i come here once in a while. i've accumulated part-written beginnings, a couple of quotes, heaps of photos. but honestly after i'm finished with work, the day's commute, floor time and books and bath and bed for rowan, the last thing i want to do is flip open the laptop lid.

but i admit that when i am able to summon my best shots--however rare--the night shifts into a self-defeating, facebook-gawking session. you know the kind where you like posts almost indiscriminately, yet you're sincere as sincere can be. but no matter how sincere, liking everything out there is draining, and it leaves me feeling somehow not enough.

now how, i ask myself on nights like these, did i let myself fall into that sultry self-pity trap? so seductive in the same way that studying philosophy is seductive. to observe and feign understanding from the comfort and dis-ease of incomplete immersion. (when talking philosophy, it only seems apropos keep your sentences rather latinate.)

OK. So I've lost momentum in the blogging part of my life, which means I'm not recording lots of milestones. Baby milestones are funny, because when they happen you think there's no way you will ever forget this. And time and time again, it slips just beyond your reach. And it's gone. I ask my friends with older babies (kids!) when such and such happened or what they did in such and such situation. And the answers are without fail fuzzy. Memory is a fickle lover.

While I'd love to write Rowan the story of my life and the life of his family before me, it's a step I'm still afraid to take. Not to mention a huge undertaking for someone who already feels drown in computerland. So let's just stick to the milestones and a list of firsts.

I bought a sewing machine. I sewed the curtain of Rowan's play kitchen, which Serkan made from mostly found and salvaged materials. I sewed my first pencil roll as a gift, and I sadly did not take a picture.

I started a journey of rather expensive vegan baking. And milling my own flour for said baking, because if I'm going to do it vegan, I might as well do it gluten-free too. And if I can get the whole grains for cheaper and keep more of the nutrition in them, I might as well go for the gold. I realize that there is a lot of trial and error in this journey, and it's sad when a really expensive cake flunks.

I've been teaching myself how to knit. Last night I learned the long-tail cast on and how to purl. I also started knitting English style (rather than Continental), so now I'm holding the yarn in my right hand. It feels so much better. For some reason holding the yarn in my left hand felt more natural at first. The needles I'm working with right now are big and bamboo; the yarn is a beautiful wool I picked up in Punta Arenas, Chile, back when I was pregnant and planning to crochet a baby blanket. Both together are lovely to touch and hear, much better than clicking away on a keyboard.

At work, I taught myself how to write regular expressions among other basic database and terminal things. It might not be my passion, but I've always liked to learn new things.

I've lost some blogging momentum, sure, and I still haven't gotten back into running regularly (on average 3-5x a month?). Both of these things are major bummers to me. But I'm taking baby steps to building momentum in other parts of my life. Like I started doing yoga again. Once a week, but that's better than nonce. And while we don't attempt it in the classes I've been taking, I can still stand on my head and it still feels as good as ever.

I won't even get into how I've grown into myself as a mother, as much as I doubt it sometimes. That's for a different day. Rowan's babbly milestones coming soon, really. :)

Happy solstice, dear friends.