life. and mama's milestones.

{bits of montaña de oro, car camping, after extending s's passport so we can go to turkey (and india for my work) in august}

oh what can i say. and where do i start? today i'm weary of capital letters, and as i write it i realize i spent my formative years in such a state--its rightly quiet flurry. damned if i could now order my smudges of memory on a timeline.

blogging was going to provide a sanitized order of my life's moments and loves; maybe it would even jog my memory--ah to let the sweet spill ensue. but that only works if i come here once in a while. i've accumulated part-written beginnings, a couple of quotes, heaps of photos. but honestly after i'm finished with work, the day's commute, floor time and books and bath and bed for rowan, the last thing i want to do is flip open the laptop lid.

but i admit that when i am able to summon my best shots--however rare--the night shifts into a self-defeating, facebook-gawking session. you know the kind where you like posts almost indiscriminately, yet you're sincere as sincere can be. but no matter how sincere, liking everything out there is draining, and it leaves me feeling somehow not enough.

now how, i ask myself on nights like these, did i let myself fall into that sultry self-pity trap? so seductive in the same way that studying philosophy is seductive. to observe and feign understanding from the comfort and dis-ease of incomplete immersion. (when talking philosophy, it only seems apropos keep your sentences rather latinate.)

OK. So I've lost momentum in the blogging part of my life, which means I'm not recording lots of milestones. Baby milestones are funny, because when they happen you think there's no way you will ever forget this. And time and time again, it slips just beyond your reach. And it's gone. I ask my friends with older babies (kids!) when such and such happened or what they did in such and such situation. And the answers are without fail fuzzy. Memory is a fickle lover.

While I'd love to write Rowan the story of my life and the life of his family before me, it's a step I'm still afraid to take. Not to mention a huge undertaking for someone who already feels drown in computerland. So let's just stick to the milestones and a list of firsts.

I bought a sewing machine. I sewed the curtain of Rowan's play kitchen, which Serkan made from mostly found and salvaged materials. I sewed my first pencil roll as a gift, and I sadly did not take a picture.

I started a journey of rather expensive vegan baking. And milling my own flour for said baking, because if I'm going to do it vegan, I might as well do it gluten-free too. And if I can get the whole grains for cheaper and keep more of the nutrition in them, I might as well go for the gold. I realize that there is a lot of trial and error in this journey, and it's sad when a really expensive cake flunks.

I've been teaching myself how to knit. Last night I learned the long-tail cast on and how to purl. I also started knitting English style (rather than Continental), so now I'm holding the yarn in my right hand. It feels so much better. For some reason holding the yarn in my left hand felt more natural at first. The needles I'm working with right now are big and bamboo; the yarn is a beautiful wool I picked up in Punta Arenas, Chile, back when I was pregnant and planning to crochet a baby blanket. Both together are lovely to touch and hear, much better than clicking away on a keyboard.

At work, I taught myself how to write regular expressions among other basic database and terminal things. It might not be my passion, but I've always liked to learn new things.

I've lost some blogging momentum, sure, and I still haven't gotten back into running regularly (on average 3-5x a month?). Both of these things are major bummers to me. But I'm taking baby steps to building momentum in other parts of my life. Like I started doing yoga again. Once a week, but that's better than nonce. And while we don't attempt it in the classes I've been taking, I can still stand on my head and it still feels as good as ever.

I won't even get into how I've grown into myself as a mother, as much as I doubt it sometimes. That's for a different day. Rowan's babbly milestones coming soon, really. :)

Happy solstice, dear friends.


Hollie said...

so excited to see a post from you! I was just thinking about you yesterday, and wondering where you went. :]

Memory is the ficklest of lovers. I recall bottle feeding, and how I would never forget it, and moving on to solids, and now it seems like YEARS ago( it was! haha!) but it seems like with the wee one, I'm experiencing life through "ages." Right now we're in the age of make believe. So far, it's been my favorite.

I can't wait to hear more about India.

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

So glad everything is running along smoothly-

Stacey said...

i recently dusted off a sewing machine that was in the garage and is determined to learn how to use it. i feel ashamed that the hubby knows how but i don't...the hubby knows how but i don't... it's great to see a post from you, ever so refreshing and reflective. i can relate about blogging losing its momentum too; there so many other things that take priority over blogging when you're working and also a mommy. nonetheless, it's great to 'see' you on blogland:-)

Nuit Hernandez said...

wow thats wonderful! sewing, vegan baking, knitting! everything you're doing sounds awesome, so glad things are going well :)

Krystal said...

i sure did enjoy reading this :) so i will forgive your absence, haha :) jk. i've been gone too so we're even. but now we have fb!

SmartBear said...

I have been pretty unmotivated to write lately as well...which surprises me because summer usually brings on more of a writing burst. I am impressed that you are knitting! It's been on my list for years and I never pick it up.
As a mother to a now 5 year old (ohmygosh), I get that the memories and the passage of time feel a bit surreal and difficult to wrap around. Everyday is a bit of a shock to me.
Hope that little one is doing well.

OneCraftyFox said...

I know how you feel, it can be overwhelming to sit infront of the computer and record everything. I am one of few people who actually DON'T use FB... shocking I know. lol. I adore blogging though and have met so many wonderful women through the blogosphere ... sharing life experiences, encouraging and inspiring one another... when I miss a few days (or weeks) blogging here and there, I feel like I have lost touch the same way as with my real life friends.

I love that you record so many moments, it is so easy to forget. Life is hectic, our minds are often caught in traffic jams. I keep a journal for private thoughts, those that are all my own. My memories and emotions to cherish forever.

I love that you have taken up sewing and knitting. I started learning how to knit the winter before this last, but I never finished the project I had started. I ended up unraveling it (which was symbolic in it's own way and felt like... relief) but am hoping to spend some time with a bestie to re-learn what I have since forgotten.

I love your photos, I love your stories, and I love that I have gotten to know you.

Take a step back and breathe... that feeling of calm is worth remembering too.

xoxxo Diana

this free bird said...

If only we lived closer, we could lament together. I could teach you gluten-free, you could teach me to sew and knit. For now I'll settle for blogging catch up :) xo


Related Posts with Thumbnails