reconnecting my dots.

Preface: In true mommy blog form that this is, I started writing this almost a week ago and haven't had a free minute since. A Patagonian friend is visiting us, and we are in the process of moving. Like we have to have everything done seven days from now.

So, I had a little more time at the computer this weekend than I normally do, so I was catching up on blogs--which is what I normally do when I have a little extra computer time. (Though obviously I didn't have enough time to finish this post.) Let's just say, the other day I saw another friend with a baby bump and I realized, My yes, I have been away a long time. I'm effusively writing congratulations, when Rowan commences to fuss. I hurry to hit send, and then I go pick him up (priorities, ya know?). I pick him up and he gleams, staring up at the fan. I lift him higher onto my hip, his happy mouth wide open as he cranes to get a better look at the fan. His eyes are deep lakes of wonder.

{renee + jeremy :: it's a big world!}
I dive into Rowan's eyes, reminiscing about how difficult these last several months have been for me. And how life affirming. It's impossible to splash in such deep lakes of wonder without experiencing wonder too.

Still, having a baby is a huge transition. That new person changes life indelibly. (Yeah, like I need to write that.) There are other changes that--thank goodness--don't last forever. Like those hormonal shifts and that feeling of instability. I recently found myself reconnecting my dots, and it feels really good. Like I'm coming to a deeper understanding of me--outside of me and where I don't even exist. (Try to explain that to physics.) I'm enjoying everything more. I'm cooking again, starting to exercise a little, and laughing more. Whew. It's all starting to feel a little bit normal.

I can't blame motherhood for all this thinking. It's just one of those events in life that urges you to examine matters of being more than you might have before. Leading an examined life tends to be cyclical (unless you're Buddha and totally committed), and it certainly doesn't require the membership of parenthood. Being a mom is just one of those things that's put me more in tune with my higher self. (Though, I was definitely better able to stay in tune with that part right after meditating in silence for 10 days. Not sure how I'll get that calm back. Well, sometimes, during breastfeeding. Maybe I used to get it from running too.)

{hummingbird hues by design seeds}
We've been getting lots of visits from hummingbirds, who come to suck the nectar out of the basil's flowering tips. I wonder how how often I fail to notice this?

What's been visiting you lately?


Hollie said...

I love your honesty Heather. Awhile back I wrote a post about struggling to still feel like myself after having Emma, and how realizing that I'm not the same person anymore was kind of scary when I think about it too much.. and one of my blogger "friends" posted something a few days later about how perfect her life is w/her children, and how she hears other mothers talk about missing their old selfs, and doesn't understand it because she never started living until she gave birth. D-E-N-I-A-L. That's all I have to say about that. Babies are tough. Things do get easier when they can communicate with you.

I hope you guys have an easy move & you like your new place. :]

Stacey said...

Hey there Heather,
I haven't been blogging, but i am glad to be popping by this evening. Your posts always resonate with me because i can relate so much to what you write. This post is no different. I yearn for the "old me" all the time. Occasionally i see a glimpse of her, but it's usually short lived:-). I don't expect to see much of her in the near future with baby # 2 on the way, but you know what i'm alright with that. Moving is no fun-i know this first hand, especially with a baby, but i hope you will have an easier move than i did. XX

Krystal said...

I always love reading your thoughts and reflections, I think it prepares me in a way :) And it's good to read someone so honest!

OneCraftyFox said...

I absolutely love reading your mommy stories about Rowan, you two truly adore each other and it melts my heart.

The color palette on the humming bird picture is stunning!!

Lots of love to you my darling friend :)

SmartBear said...

Oh, thank you so much for sharing this. It's been more than 4 years for me as a mom and I am still getting used to my "new normal". I wonder when it will ever really feel truly normal....
I am glad that things are starting to come together again. It's a slow adjustment and can be brutal but you have such a beautiful perspective on things and Rowan is very lucky!

Kavery said...

I'm glad you chose to share your thoughts with us. Isn't that the beauty of being female? We can all relate to aspects of each others lives and learn from that.

DolceDreams said...

Good luck with your move!

Kristin H said...

Ah, hummingbirds are so cute!
I am def. having a bit of a hard time right now... Kids does mean a selfless life but one would not want to be without them.

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

Such a great post, as always. Being in a different time and place in my life I can still relate to this. I am faced with a surgery this month that makes me wonder if I too will ever be my old self. Funny the different stages of life and how each one changes you a little bit forever.


Related Posts with Thumbnails