all over the map.

Have you ever noticed how nearly all suffering begins with a thought? And that thought can probably be distilled to wishing you were somewhere other than where you are. I'm not just talking physical space. Wanting to escape even a moment can generate buckets of ooey-gooey scab-crusted angst.

I have to get going on this road stretching out ahead of me, family in tow. It's just I see at least 10 roads snaking into the distance, and I cannot decide which one to take. You see, I'm not all that good at making decisions; I never have been. S says I'm wild like a lion.

{by lithiumpicnic :: via rara avis}
But when I'm wearing my editor's mane, I do make decisions. I choose which word follows what word I choose and dischoose punctuation while I wonder what happened to unedited beauty. I choose Rowan's clothes and my own, I choose our food and the bedtime ritual. When we walk, I choose whether to stroll the smaller back streets or stalk across the big street. But I don't like waiting for the red hand to evolve to a green walking man. And I'm surprisingly paranoid about jaywalking across even residential streets while I'm wearing Rowan.

When S' visa for the States was approved, we went to one of our favorite cafes in Santiago to eat lunch decide what we should do. We wrote a list of pros and cons called: Should we stay or should we go? Have the baby in Patagonia or have him in the States? I wanted an unmedicated natural birth not in the hospital. Chile's astronomical cesarean rate scared me. Plus we were just done being in Patagonia for lots of reasons I won't go into here. We were seeking sincerity. The "should we go" side was longer.

So here we are. Our lease is up in a month, and we'll be off. To some place with a higher walkability score. Antwerp? Neither one of us has a permanent job yet. Rowan's home is where we are, so we could go anywhere. In the last month, I've looked into real estate throughout California, apartments in Alameda, teaching opportunities abroad, returning to Patagonia to be a cheese-making maiden, scholarships to go back to school--again. (I already spent nine years getting a terminal MFA.) My scope is to the moon.

{wish i was there purse :: rosie's armoire}
I'm not sure if it has anything to do with motherhood, but I feel stuck. Aside from not being this sedentary (maybe) ever, the pull I feel to move in so many different directions makes it impossible to take the first step. Meanwhile, I'm trying to at least try to be practical. Our little Aquarius born to Gemini and Sagittarius parents, is already lacking in the grounded/Earth department.

So, it's the great clutter of 2011. And the only way out is in. (Not that I ever get out anyway.)

May you be present.

12 comments:

Di said...

Oh gosh! I'm not very good at decisions and don't like change (it must be the Scorpio in me) so I stay put! Perhaps not the best thing for life or career but I stay put....oh to be adventurous!!

bron @ baby space said...

Oh gosh, I totally hear you. And I also have total faith (even though I only *know* you through this little blog) that you will make the best decision for you.

Anyone who has the wisdom to start a blog post off that way is definitely on the right track to being present :)

Kavery said...

Perhaps it's just the time in your life when you wish to travel? We moved around a lot in the beginning. We've now been here for 10 years and it feels like a lifetime!

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

I am the same way with decisions, it can be so very hard. I read a study once though, that said people who go with their gut-instinct are much happier than their decisions than people who stop to weigh the pros and cons. Reading this made it easier for me to make decisions.

Poppies and Sunshine said...

I know how you feel! And I am terrible at making decisions too. You explained it so well when you said, "the pull I feel to move in so many different directions makes it impossible to take the first step".
I hope you can figure out what your next step needs to be!

Arctic Mum said...

Wow, that sounds so big - to make decisions like that. But at the same time easy - it's also a luxury to be able to choose between opportunities! Good luck, will be exciting to see where you end up!

LatteLisa said...

In my head I had formed something incredibly wise to say but then I saw the magic word, ANTWERP. After that I was just smiling like an idiot :-)

Hubby heard some wise man once say: "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." OK, I know that eventually one has to do something but I like that philosophy and use it a lot. Sometimes life tends to just take you to the next step without you having to do much. Maybe I'm speaking total nonsense but I hope you know what I mean.

Zabrinah said...

Oh wow. Suffering begins with a thought. That's such an interesting theory. I'm tempted to look back on all instances in my life just to test it. So far, it seems to be accurate.

I wish you all the best. Decision-making is either really easy or really difficult. Most often, the latter!

~Zabrinah

Daisy said...

your writing is beautiful. whatever you decide, however hard it may be, will be the right decision.

OneCraftyFox said...

Hello darling, I can completely empathize... my life was suddenly turned upside down and when I think I can't be shocked any more, the earth moved beneath my feet again.

I am a gemini... which of you two is a gemini? Something must be mis-aligned with the stars right now.

Stay strong, sweetie. HUGS!

LyddieGal said...

I totally admire you for all your travels, and that you are willing to do it all again and again even with a six month year old in toe.

I wish i could feel that wanderlust enough to actually do something about it, and not just hang around wishing for some opportunity to present itself.

Chic on the Cheap

Krystal said...

make life your area of study :) i'm sure the feeling doesn't have to do with parenthood, we all get like that at times i am sure. the world is your option though, really...rowan is the luckiest kid ever no matter what with adventurous parents like you guys!!

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