pussyfooting.


Sometimes the only place to start is from here. OK, it's the only place to start from, really, and the only place to arrive. But here is a tricky thing. And I’m utterly (let’s not say hopelessly) ill-prepared for it. If I tapped into my zen, I’d see that being where you are requires zero preparation. But oh dear friends, I’m not quite there yet.

{eva by malota}
Yet there’s no escaping; here I am. A long continent away from where I was only three weeks ago. Back “home” so to speak, some may even say back to where I started. But I’ve never been here before. Navigating the state of 37 weeks pregnant with my husband, who’s definitely never been here before either. Refiguring how to live in the States, while suddenly--so it seems to me now--becoming mother.

This week we’ll pack a bag for the hospital and wash some baby clothes. We’ll buy me a robe and an open-fronted nursing shirt or two. We’ll install baby’s car seat, and buy a cute mirror so we can see him in the rearview. We’ll take another birthing class at the birthing center. I’ll get my first-ever acupuncture in hopes that it will calm me: help me to arrive. To tell you the truth, it calms me just to write this down. One of blogging's more peaceful moments, and something I've been missing.

But what wakes me up at odd hours aside from constant peeing? Is what to do about the nest. We've been living with my auntie, convinced that we would have our own place set up before baby belted his first hello. When we left Patagonia, I couldn’t really start thinking about what we would do for housing upon arrival to California. First, we had to vacate our lives there, say our nos vemos, hasta prontos. Planning beyond that was just flying pigs to me. 

Now that we’re here, of course I want to nest. I want to figure out diapers and decorate space, unpack the baby items given us in Patagonia. To start our home together.  At the same time, I just don’t know if I have it in me to get everything we need for the baby and to shop for a bed for us, bookshelves, a dresser. Not to mention choosing an arbitrary location before we have jobs. And physically move the few boxes I have (which I can’t really help with) and decorate (which I might obsess over). And remember to breathe relaxingly for this natural birth thing? Be a mom to another human being, when I’m finding it difficult to even mother myself. 
{photo by dan;o)el}
Um, yeah, I know I can do this. But I could use a pep talk or a funny story. Something about a time when you jumped into the deep end only half able to swim... and survived.

16 comments:

Škorčica said...

O, you're back! :)

Your last sentence tells it all: you'll be allright, Heather! Enjoy! :)

Di said...

Just saying it out loud makes it better! Writing it down, twice so! I don't really have many anecdotes - I am not one for jumping in usually - scared of change and the likes - not one for being brave. At least I don't think so, but other people think going on holiday alone is brave compared to what they'd do - so I reckon I am braver than some but not as brave as others, say you for example. Take heart from the fact that you survived moving to Chile, you met and married your husband, and now you are home the most exciting but also maybe the scariest adventure will begin. It may be hard but it will definitely be an adventure - with love all around and that's just what you need at the moment!

I should give you the address of my friend Isabel (Costa Rican, married to a Mexican, studied in France, worked the last 7 years in the UK and then 2 months before her second child was due - they did just as you and moved - they moved to Paris - they found an apartment, they have a few hiccups finding childcare but now they are all growing in their new environment - Beatriz, their daughter, already at 3 fluent in English and Spanish is speaking French, the 6 month old Nicolas charms all who meet him......life has a funny way of settling despite the stresses!

I did post some funny stories on my blog that might make you smile.

LyddieGal said...

Even though you are in this "strange new country" it sounds like you've got a great family to support and carry you. You will figure things out and life will fall into place.
You will be amazing.

Hollie said...

Accupunture will help!! It was my saving grace during pregnancy (and for a few months after.) I say go with the flow. If you don't feel like moving into your own place right away, then don't. I understand how you feel, because to me, the unknown has always been scary.. and being in a spot you've never been before, can be stressful.. but things will work out exactly the way that the universe intends for them to. :] I promise you that once you see your baby all will be right in the world.

Panda said...

You got this. It all seems like a lot to do and take on at once but when the baby arrives you will naturally know how to mother and sounds like you have a great support team. I will be in your place in about 6 months (minus the living in a new country and add continue planning a wedding while becoming a mother)
stay strong and breath. good luck!

Faiza said...

I've never been where you are and my "here" is so vastly different from yours. All I know is that I have great faith in my instincts and my intuition and even when I wish someone else would give me their point of view or provide some answers, I always come back to what is within me.

Trust in you to be the best possible version of who you are right now...here.

Mystica said...

You will do fine.

E. Charlotte said...

Ah, to write it down first frees a little of your mind, does it not? Always helps me! You shall be alright indeed. Who cares if you haven't a cozy place of your own yet? You have time still to nest. Your baby-to-be, while belting those hellos, will not notice where you live or what it looks like yet. Just that it's happy and healthy and very loved. So breathe, and take comfort in the fact that everything will fall into place--because it has to. :) So it will. All in due time.

Marcie said...

You are so open and it is inspiring. I love your honesty. I am so scared about having kids but know I need to do it sooner rather than later. Please keep posting your journey. It is so helpful!

:) M

Jen said...

My dear, you will be alright!
This line from your horoscope today seems just right:
"Focus on the day-to-day efforts that keep life in balance."
: )
Love love love! xoxo

Signe said...

Hang in there Heather, things will work themself out in the end :)

Fingers crossed you guys find your nest soon!

Christine said...

Oh, my dear, I can imagine the resettling your life part but not when you're about to have a baby. Just relax into it and it will all work out. Just concentrate on taking care of yourself. And have a very happy new year!

Nicolette said...

Heather, you got this! I really believe that right now, we are all right where we are supposed to be.
You'll be great!

DolceDreams said...

Oh my dear...all I can say is everything you are feeling is completely to be expected, on so many levels! And the best advice that I can give is to breathe, to let it all go...because it will probably be unstable for a while...but you will have this AMAZING little being that you created...and your life will never be the same, ever!
And it is the best thing in the world. Just be prepared to weather the bumps and never say never :).
I wish you all of the joy and blessings that this year will bring!
Cheers!
Nathalie

thenextarrow said...

been thinking of you + hope you had a marvelous christmas + new years. HUGS!

xo Alison

kelli g. { bug miscellany } said...

you write so eloquently, it's like we're all there with you.
it may not feel like it now, but there'll be a time down the road, where you'll have trouble remembering what is was like to worry about things like this.
until then - your nest is wherever you are. you ARE your baby's nest, and you still will be, even when your little one has externalized itself. :)
that said, i'm sending you good vibes and happy thoughts!

and a very happy new year to you.

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