On the road again... not aimlessly

Tonight I feel trapped in the same cycle lots of people feel trapped in. Doing the same thing day in day out, somewhat aimlessly. I have the same questions as everybody else. What the hell am I doing? And what for? (Are you looking for adventure? Why are you here? Alone?) The only difference is my days in days out seem more edgy than, say, an office job. So what in tarnations am I complaining about?

Even while I am thinking that I am ready to be done, I know these have not been aimless years on the move; they have been for their own purpose. I needed to hop off the teeter-totter and ride the merry-go-round for a while. Itchy feet. Wanderlust. Whatever centripetally propelled search. My favorite playground activity has always been swinging, though. I suppose that means I need a little of both sides and to find balance. It's also (interestingly) one of the few recess pastimes you can do by your lonesome.

But I really wasn't looking forward to traveling by my lonesome again. It's not that one way is better than another way (accompanied or alone). They are completely different creatures. Once you are familiar and OK with both, you probably don't mind doing either one, but it's normal to have a preference--and even normal for this preference to change depending on circumstances and the time/space you occupy in your life. It's kind of like pets. Some people prefer dogs; some people'd rather have cats. Just because you think you like cats more, doesn't mean you won't someday have a dog, which you love like a child.

In some ways I started to get excited to travel on my own. The freedom! The easiness. But traveling with Serkan hasn't been difficult. On my own I might do more girly groomy things like do something with my damaged mane, or skip it all and go to farm-like yoga retreats. But the other repetitive travel crap is tiring. Men. I am not single. I'm not in the mood for flirtations. It's annoying not to be to be left alone when solo. When I am with Serkan, guys don't follow me around like the stray dogs of Puerto Natales, and the gross noises from their spittle spotted mouths are fewer. I miss that peace I have with Serkan and that sense of ...well... I guess it's security.

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