a bit of lately.

1} when life gives you clementines, smile :: 2} chain-linked fence :: 3} tobias, king of the surrey :: 

4} round earth :: 5} on the way to lover's point, monterey, ca :: 6} a bite of bright

eight days a week.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my family after hardly seeing them all week. Today we relaxed, ate eggs for breakfast, and went for an afternoon hike where we discovered a grove of cairns and a labyrinth, the first of the wild irises, and rainbow serpentine.

It was a good first week, though I finally experienced the pain of a plugged duct. Oh heavenly ouch! Next week I'll continue to get used to commuting.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend!

an anniversary.

It's our one-year anniversary of living back in the States. While I would thoroughly miss my friends and family if we weren't here, I find myself wondering why we are here. Not in an existential crisis sort of way, but in a 'life is really expensive and complicated here' sort of way.

All is right with the world if I'm feeling the usual pull.

• Part of me wishes I was wearing my trekking boots, breaking to patch blisters in howling gales while my fingers turn all icicly. To feel the walk-faster glee of pushing to a peak and, slowly not all at once, seeing what's beyond the lowering horizon. I'd be lugging the extra weight of a book, a journal, and the journey's rocks piling up.
• The other part wants to buys a sewing machine and make Rowan's clothes. Knit all the Christmas presents and adorn the packages with holly berries and redwood sprigs. To be the girl with glue guns and the roots of place. 

{but this could be nice gift :: glitzglitter}

The reality is I can barely motivate myself to leave the house for a 30-minute run. I might say I'm in a rut, but the truth is I'm living on air. I'm teaching Rowan to raise his hands up to the sky whenever I say Hallelujah! When he does it, he does it like Superman. And it's impossible for us not to smile.

adding a little space to my step.

I feel thankful for.

love songs :: Right before my husband left the house to play soccer, he turned on Pandora and found an alternative indie love songs to play for me. You know, so we miss him more. Rowan's theme song for cruising around the coffee table and chewing the foamy corner safety edges is Friday I'm in Love.

autumn :: It's gray and moody outside. We went for a run along the beach trail, and the sea is so calm that the kite and wind surfing shack was closed. Even though the shoreline along Alameda isn't what you imagine when you imagine the beach, it still feels great to live so close to the ocean again.

{ultima esperanza fjord, puerto natales :: by serkan yalin}

past :: The only time I've lived within walking distance to the water was in Puerto Natales. Also not the picture you conjure when you think about going to the beach. But it's damn beautiful. Even in subzero temps. It's not that cold here, but last night I dreamed about the hooded puffy jacket I sold before we left Patagonia. I must have kicked off the covers and caught a chill.

forward :: This morning's run was my 10th comeback run (meaning 10 starts and 0 follow through) since I was pregnant. Gettin' there. Scenery and space are a big deal. 

present :: Rowan is asleep. I'm trying to spread out a little and take deep breaths. I am an open cocoon. 

Wishing you a weekend fully of scenery and space!

a moveable feast

{view from land's end}

Indian summer is in full swing here, so we dipped Rowan's feet in the Pacific for the first time. He was a little worried.

{baby toes meet the ocean}

But even though the days have been warm, the nights are chilly and crisp fall convinced me to wear a scarf and hat yesterday evening. I'm craving butternut squash soup and drinking lots of jasmine pearl tea.

S bought a TV. I'm not thrilled about that, but he's been on a movie strike. Meaning he refused to watch movies on the computer screen for months. The other night we hunkered together to watch the magic that is Midnight in Paris. Have you seen it? That movie makes me happy. And while I'm not a huge fan of the huge screen in our living room--which will now be a permanent fixture--I admit I want to watch Hemingway pick fights and call the sexy girls moveable feasts on the big screen.

Rowan turns nine months old on Thursday. He'll be almost as old as the time he grew and lived in my body. It simultaneously feels impossibly long and like he's lived with us for much longer than that. He is living proof that time is a useless accordion. I wonder how I could turn that into a Halloween costume.

What are your cravings lately? 

What will you be for Halloween?

secretly glad.

Our new apartment is less of a disaster every day after moving here last Tuesday, and that's about all I have to say for myself. We're on our way to finding our new rhythm. S will be here on the weekends now, and summer has finally arrived. So even though we're eating sweet potato with pumpkin ice cream and the leaves on the trees lining our street are threatening to fall, I feel like a sliver of summer is still mine to enjoy.

I'm torn between exploring and helping Rowan get used to his new home--which means being home, decorating, giving it our energy, and following the bedtime routine that we've gotten used to. So while part of me really wants to go camping, I'm secretly glad I can blame Rowan and just nest.

{though i wouldn't mind going here :: photo by tunio_div4oto}

What are you secretly glad for?

Life is getting back to normal. You know how sometimes it can feel like you're to busy to play? Well, play is an important part of my inner life, and I've been forgetting that lately. Rowan is a good reminder. But I need to get back in touch with my kidness even when I'm not with his royal chubbiness.

We spent the past few days having fun. We invited some good friends over for dinner on our anniversary. On Friday we celebrated our marriage by drinking cocktails and going out to dinner and serendipitous live music--with Rowan. After some initial fawning over the lights and pretty girls, Rowan was ready to be quiet. I basically hid him under the breastfeeding cover the whole time, and we all enjoyed a wonderful dinner. Mommy and daddy even requested to be serenaded by Al Green's "Let's Stay Together." Now we have another "that's our song" to add to our arsenal, which includes "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and "She's All I Got" by Johnny Paycheck, cuz we are sappy like that.

Today we left the house early to pick up a jogging stroller in a place we've never been, because Serkan is home. After we bought the stroller, we headed to Peet's for coffee. We drank it in the half shade on a bench beneath a tree in the plaza while watching the older kids kick up sand in the playground. Classical music on a loudspeaker on the other end of the square completed the scene. Then we headed to check out a couple more apartment possibilities back by the bay, finally deciding on which apartment we would apply for! This is no small feat; we've been looking for a couple of weeks already. We ate a yummy breakfast at a local cafe in our (maybe) new hood. Then we headed to play tourist in sunny San Francisco.

Mission fun: accomplished.

What's your happy spot today?

santa cruz beach boardwalk.

The Giant Dipper, so much younger (but still more than 80 years old!) and smaller than the Big Dipper, and yet...

It's my all-time favorite roller coaster (and I do love a good roller coaster). I'm gooey sentimental over its red and white frame. I first rode this thing with my mom, more than a decade ago (okay, almost two, but that makes me feel remarkably old and I can feel it as though it was only a few months ago). The sound of its chain lugging the coaster cars up the first drop, ocean waves rolling to shore, people screaming and laughing, winning prizes and eating chocolate-covered soft serve ice cream... It makes me taper off. 

As we waited in line (a really short Tuesday line), I checked out the sizes of all the kiddos (I assume on spring break) and thought how much Rowan would enjoy this someday. After hollering through the Giant Dipper's dips and curves, I remembered how often you jolt into your car mate or get air, meaning bum fully leaving the seat and knees hitting the lap bar--only thing holding us in. S says it gave him whiplash. But I love that roller coaster dearly. And it was our whole purpose of heading into the retro tunnel of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk for our little date without the babe. We had to make it quick, since R still isn't sold on bottle feeding. But papa'll continue working on that one. 

Do you have a favorite roller coaster?

2 gargoyles + 3 months = 1 love.

A few weeks ago, a busy girlfriend of mine penciled us in for a babysitting date. She's a teacher, pregnant with her second daughter, and even though she's exhausted she insisted on babysitting R one day during her spring break. She said it's good for S and I to spend some time alone together. 

It was my first time away from snickerdoo--who is three months old today! And the first time S + I have been alone together, since he was born. We tried to think of something to do that you cannot do with a baby (and that is semi-close to where my friend lives in south San Jose). Museum, movie? But we wanted to be outside, it was such a beautiful day! A seedy dive bar? But there are lots of baby-friendly bars + pubs around. Who wants to dive into a dark bar during the day on a Tuesday, when the weather is so grand? Basically everywhere we wanted to go, we wanted to bring R along too. But we took her up on it... 

{here's a sunny preview}

Any hot dates lately?

peace. what's different?

When you leave and return to a place, you notice things. Aside from the higher bridge tolls and higher sales tax. Almost 10%, really? New fangled ways of living.

• Everybody owns an iPhone. 
• (yet) It's illegal to talk on said iPhone while driving. 
• The highways don radio signs (which slow traffic), advertising child abductions and the approximate times to various locations. 
• Sometimes the radio signs mention that texting tickets can be $159+ so they aren't worth it.
• There are texting tickets.
• Pedestrians have to stop, push a button and wait for the green walky guy at random sections of sidewalk/driveway. 
• Finding apartments is treacherous and include none of the utilities (not even sewage, people!)
• Cell phone plans count the minutes of incoming calls in addition to outgoing calls.
• You can have internet at home without owning a home phone.
• Light bulbs. What can I say, you are completely different!

• Meanwhile 880 is still a potholed ghetto highway, to be avoided (even though I live right off of it now).
• Those precarious radio stations, like 92.3, still change every other week, while KFOG still thrums acoustic sunrise and sunset on Sundays and KZSM goes crazy about the blues every Friday night.
• Happy revelers fly kites, play music and dance in the parks of San Francisco to celebrate spring.
• My old good friends are still my good friends, even though it's been years since we've kept in touch regularly.
• Peaceful moments are still peaceful moments. 

{via}

Right now the sun's setting in our living room, streaking it shades of yellow and deepening orange. Rowan's asleep in his swing, which swishes rhythmically. Kids squeal in play and kick around a soccer ball down at the park across the way. Blackbirds and wrens chirp. I'm rocking in the glider and typing, about to get myself some tea. 

on moving.

After being here four months, we finally found an apartment and moved into it. This meant rediscovering everything that had been in boxes in my aunt’s garage for the past 3.5 years. And the stuff we’d carried with us from Chile. Not to mention packing and unpacking the stuff we’d accumulated since (re)arriving to California. 

{image}

Anyway. During all this unpacking, I opened several old journals. Many starts lasting fewer than days with some tome-like miracles thrown in. I flipped through and read an entry here, a soppy digression there. At every new journal beginning and often in between, I lament the lack of storyline. What happened after August 23, 2005, and before January 7, 2009? Even though huge gaps glare at me from my past, I’m generally, momentarily, fascinated by what’s been noted. I feel like I’m snooping a peek into somebody else’s life. Have you ever felt like this looking back at your own writing?  

So, what’s happened since December 2, 2010, since we entered the States. Even though I feel the urge to somehow fill in the blanks, I know the blanks aren’t all that interesting. A bulleted list can’t penetrate the psychology of a timeline. So, I start here. We are now three in our own place, and it feels good. 

We have internet now, and that feels great. Let’s just say I’ve missed you all so much. Thank you for your lovely notes, comments and mail. I so look forward to catching up in the coming weeks. 

Do you keep a journal? Regularly? And how do you manage it?

what's been cookin'

If a space full of belly isn't your thing, this is definitely not the post for you. Even though I have been horribly disconnected since arriving back to the United States of "first-world" living, we have tried to make some time to continue our journey of belly shots.

Starting with a sunny cold day at the end of December.

{circa 36 weeks}

Then on to our tranquil New Year's Eve spent with my sweetheart and dear friend Claire. The dress I'm wearing is Black Halo, designed by my cousin's talented wife Laurel. A Pea in the Pod contacted them to transform a couple of their designs for maternity wear, and here I am, lucky recipient of this gorgeous dress, just in time!

{circa 37 weeks}

In other news, baby turned and is positioned head down and happily (I assume) in my pelvis. The birth center here extended my due date by two days to January 22. (Could be any day now!) Belly has dropped, contrary to how high it may still appear.

{circa 38 weeks}

S and I aim for hour-long, mildly hilly walks just about every day, though I'm getting more and more tired. Today's was a short walk to the coffee shop to steal some wifi time, the fruits of which are this blog entry and me browsing through this past month's photos.

{a summery 39 weeks : heather, can you look at me instead of your belly?}

After much apartment hunting, wearing ourselves down and actually applying for one apartment, we decided to stay at my aunt's house. Admittedly there have been times here I felt rather crazy and a little dumb for moving so late in pregnancy with nary a plan. Purposely making this time of transition even more transitive. But truly I feel entirely lucky to be here. The care we receive from the birth center is more attuned to what I wanted (and imagined for my birthing process), and of course the care from my family. You can't really argue against the benefits of a loving, supportive environment.

Thank you.

pussyfooting.

Sometimes the only place to start is from here. OK, it's the only place to start from, really, and the only place to arrive. But here is a tricky thing. And I’m utterly (let’s not say hopelessly) ill-prepared for it. If I tapped into my zen, I’d see that being where you are requires zero preparation. But oh dear friends, I’m not quite there yet.

{eva by malota}

Yet there’s no escaping; here I am. A long continent away from where I was only three weeks ago. Back “home” so to speak, some may even say back to where I started. But I’ve never been here before. Navigating the state of 37 weeks pregnant with my husband, who’s definitely never been here before either. Refiguring how to live in the States, while suddenly--so it seems to me now--becoming mother.

This week we’ll pack a bag for the hospital and wash some baby clothes. We’ll buy me a robe and an open-fronted nursing shirt or two. We’ll install baby’s car seat, and buy a cute mirror so we can see him in the rearview. We’ll take another birthing class at the birthing center. I’ll get my first-ever acupuncture in hopes that it will calm me: help me to arrive. To tell you the truth, it calms me just to write this down. One of blogging's more peaceful moments, and something I've been missing.

But what wakes me up at odd hours aside from constant peeing? Is what to do about the nest. We've been living with my auntie, convinced that we would have our own place set up before baby belted his first hello. When we left Patagonia, I couldn’t really start thinking about what we would do for housing upon arrival to California. First, we had to vacate our lives there, say our nos vemos, hasta prontos. Planning beyond that was just flying pigs to me. 

Now that we’re here, of course I want to nest. I want to figure out diapers and decorate space, unpack the baby items given us in Patagonia. To start our home together.  At the same time, I just don’t know if I have it in me to get everything we need for the baby and to shop for a bed for us, bookshelves, a dresser. Not to mention choosing an arbitrary location before we have jobs. And physically move the few boxes I have (which I can’t really help with) and decorate (which I might obsess over). And remember to breathe relaxingly for this natural birth thing? Be a mom to another human being, when I’m finding it difficult to even mother myself. 

{photo by dan;o)el}

Um, yeah, I know I can do this. But I could use a pep talk or a funny story. Something about a time when you jumped into the deep end only half able to swim... and survived.

happy holidays.

Right now I feel a little like swinging high till the chain loosens enough for my stomach to enter the heart of my throat before it plops back down again in a tightening creak. It all happens so fast. And then there's that feeling that you can do it over and over again. And if you're older and haven't swung in a while, you may find it's even good exercise.

{torres del paine swinging : by serkan yalin}

We are squaring away newborn insurance for next year and apartment hunting. It makes me squirmy, as I find sitting in some chairs for more than 20 minutes unbearable. Not to mention the actual apartment viewing part and the fact that my decision-making skills are shot. On the other hand, it's remarkable (even if I do say so myself) how many decisions we've made since we arrived. I'm so happy the seats in our new 1999 car are comfortable (and have seat warmers). I'm happy to take those wheels and reunite with long-time friends. To share Christmas with family, to breathe in the pine of my auntie's colorful Christmas tree. To return to little girls so grown up, to our growing family with my growing belly--knees kneading me from the inside and eyelids blinking between sleep.

I miss you, dear blog friends. Sending you light wishes and delight. That your transition into the new year be warm and love-filled, ever.

dear friends.

Looks like I'm going to need more time on the international move front. Who knew it would be so much work? I thought I would have seen more people by now and be back caught up with emails and blogs.  They say the moodiness of the first trimester revisits in the third. And, while it certainly isn't as difficult as my first tri, I certainly burst into tears more than I would like. I thank my lucky stars and clouds for my loving, supportive family, and of course, my dear husband of infinite patience. During the day, autumn's colors do make me smile... if only the days lasted a little bit longer.

The good news is we have pretty much decided on the birth center. We start appointments there tomorrow and pick up the beginning of all the birthing classes we need to take on Thursday. In Natales we were sans classes (and a whole lot else)--an idea I had to get used to, but it's wonderful to have more options and better (+ holistic) care. We also figured out my health insurance. All those people with pre-existing conditions can get insurance now, a little something called Pre-Existing Conditions Insurance Plan. (I'm not going to get all political on you, but I'll just say this totally rocks and relieves many of my worries.) We also bought a car today, which will require lots more errands in the coming days.

So, slowly but surely, we're finding our way. Getting settled. Phones, S's social security card + driver's license, holidays, and maybe a baby shower to follow soon. Not to mention where to live and jobs.  Posting will continue to be sparse this week. In the meantime, thank you so much for your emails, kind words and welcome homes. Please bear with me. :)

What I Miss…

My family and friends and how pretty California is
What I’m missing out on, like seeing Nic’s belly grow and hearing (in person) all the gross parts, seeing the baby James and the girls grow grow grow
Talking to Earon on the phone for hours at a time
Dancing at Molly’s
Late nights working with Lydia, and watching Girls Next Door and Kendra’s wretched laugh
The kitties
My quiet sunny mornings with The Merc
Zeitgeist and that lovely bloody Mary
Poetry classes and talking about poesia
Talky talking with David, poetry books work kids soccer trips life
Boogaloo’s on Tuesdays
The New York Times
Claire’s back porch and girl talk
Mikey’s cubicle and girl talk…
And Dave’s occasional prairie dogging
The Spark meetings and Oh, the laughter
Clayton’s muffled laughing while watching apparently hilarious videos
All my work friends… I don’t miss work per se J but I do miss a lot of little things about it